Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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