I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
YOU SLEPT WITH A GUY WHO HAS A BILLBOARD IN HIS HONOR?
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
