if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
He kissed a someone with a penis
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
