she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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