I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
You take your time. Wallowing in last nights filth is the best way to get over a hangover
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
