I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
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