so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
