Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Also, if you all get arrested i'm coming to laugh at you because i don't have the money for bail.
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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