im officially scared..,i finally realized who my boyfriend reminds me of! spencer pratt
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
Maybe if he'd step up his game and get a real job instead of donating plasma and trying to grow pot then you wouldn't feel compelled to write prisoners in Oregon.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
