Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
the sex wasnt even worth changing my sheets
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
