Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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