you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
So, anyways, aside from wanting to seduce my roommate for booze, how's everything been
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
cinco de mayo stole my toenail
cinco de mayo stole my virginity.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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