Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
just walked out of chelsea's house and saw cameron slapping his dick against her car. cant even make this shit up if i tried.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
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