I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
A surprise thumb up the ass and I'm wide awake. She was right, no need for caffine pills I could fight ninjas now.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
My relationship: I'm wearing batman panties and a tiara right now trying to get laid and he's doing dishes.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
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