Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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