Even the bartender felt bad for me
The first song on his sex mix was "highway to the danger zone"
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize