please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
They just broke the window so they could get in and smoke the taxi driver out...
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
