i just ate something from under my fingernail. i dont know what it was, but it tasted half decent
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
