The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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