On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'm so bored, I can only pretend that this truck is a spaceship for so long.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
This guy either needs to stop touching me or buy me another drink.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
