I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
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