college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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