OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
Randomize
