Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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