i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I threw up in the shower. I cleaned it all up and there is on mess at all. This hangover has become borderline religous. Powerful and life changing.
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
Randomize
