somebody snuck up and got me drunk
just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
and then he proceeded to take what he called, a whip cream shower.
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
I was grinding on my boss last night. So Monday will be fun. That's what's going on in my life right now.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
