Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Randomize
