as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
So much Jack, so little girl.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
Randomize
