Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
