when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Randomize
