I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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