The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
Just found my shirt from Saturday, got an automatic contact buzz.
Im in his room watching him sleep. Im going to try and jerk off and not get caught by the nurse.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
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