are you still at the devil's house?
I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
Randomize
