btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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