put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
I dunno, there's just something so\ncomforting about having his penis in my mouth.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
