i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
Randomize
