You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
Randomize
