Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us
fair point
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
