My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Randomize
