I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
