Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
His buddy came running in the room after we had sex, and started "sponging" the sweat off my forehead with his sport wristband.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
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