Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
they're like a gay fantastic four
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
Randomize
