awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I realized last night, I never talk dirty in German during sex. How much wasted potential is that?
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
