Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Well for starters i'm drinking vodka out of a bell pepper.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
I fucking hate you. Some slutty looking drunk chick backed her ass up across the bar and started grinding on you. You ignored her because you didn't want to share you drink
I care about my drink far more than her feelings
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
I want you more than I want a burrito.
I'm not as filling.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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