My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
