Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm definitely closer to having sex in every building on campus than I am to having a post-graduation career/plan/future. Unless that future is getting fucked in lots of buildings. I got that shit on lock down.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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