You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Randomize
