Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
