just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Did you really just call a picture of your erect penis art?
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
