I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
