lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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