I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
