Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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