dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I don't care if he's the coolest coworker, if he's living in his mom's basement at 30 you should not buy drugs from him
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
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