Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
It's Friday. Sex?
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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