help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize
